


Never let me go

by imanotaku



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-24 07:18:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13208721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imanotaku/pseuds/imanotaku
Summary: Antonio gives in





	Never let me go

Antonio sat on the bridge, feet dangling in the edge. The pale moon shone on the starry sky. The dark water under him looked so inviting. It was the only quiet place where he could rest. And he was exhausted.

The voice in his head laughed, 'It's the best thing you'll do,' It said. Antonio stared at his feet. One leap and it would all end.

He was different. He had to hide his true self behind a broken mask. Shove down his feelings and pretend that he didn't see the judgmental looks sent his way. Every time Antonio found a man attractive, he felt repulsed of himself. He had spent so many years hearing that it was wrong and that he would end up in hell. Those words haunted him every living moment. He was a closeted gay man in his forties, how disgusting was that?

At some point in his life, people looked the same to him. Piles of glob without faces. It was a way he had not to deal with the hatred. But someone stood out. A man who didn't give a damn about society or it's rules, who would do anything to protect his family and the city of Chicago. Hank Voight was a needed change in Antonio's dull life. Even when their ideas clashed, it made him alive. And, soon after joining the Intelligence Unit, his heart choose Hank. He was so struck that he would give up everything for a chance at love. But it was one sided and he knew it. Voight would never look at him the same way that Antonio saw him. Still, there was a small flame of hope inside him.

Until Benson arrived. They were perfect from each other. Olivia had something that he didn't. It was like a piece of his heart was ripped every time he saw them together. He tried to cure his heartache with a string of one night stands. Instead, he felt like a used rag doll, a whore who was cheating on Hank.

From that point on, it got worse. He woke up every morning to a empty bed. He was miserable. The voice got louder, screaming at him.

Antonio was surrounded by people, but he had never felt so alone. He kept smiling, laughing and making jokes, yet it left a sour taste in his mouth. No one noticed his pain, it was agonizing. He just someone to love, to cherish him. But no one wanted him. Not even his kids, who he hadn't seen since the divorce. He understood them. Who would want him as a father? He was weak. A man scared of his own mind, drowning in his thoughts, 'They got sick of you,' the demon said. It sounded a lot like Voight, 'You're a slut, a waste of space.'

Antonio agreed with it. Every time he looked in the mirror, a failure stared back. He wasn't worth living. No one would care if he died.

A tear ran down his face. He stood up and looked at the calm waters. He was finally going to rest. Antonio took a deep breath and jumped.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, thanks for reading. I just want to say that if you need someone to talk to I'm here. I know that depression can be a bitch when you don't have anyone by your side. But even if it seems hard, keep going. Show all those people who shamed you that your so fucking strong. That you're a survivor.  
> My tumblr is yourcrazyshiper if you ever want to vent. 
> 
> I also want to put the number of the suicide hotline, because they can help you.
> 
> 1-800-273-8255
> 
> I also wanted to thank foolishlyinlove for beta'ing this.
> 
> Stay safe guys  
> -imanotaku


End file.
